The Down ‘n’ Out in Prague List

Originally published on March 25, 2006.

I offer gratitude but no apologies to Harper’s.

  • Average number of new rent boys per month I have procured from hlavní nádraží who say they have never done sex biznis before: 23 
  • Percentage of those boys who agree to be the passive partner in anal sex with a punter: 10% 
  • Percentage of those boys who have done sex biznis for a month who eventually agree to be the passive partner: 85% 
  • Average time, in days, before most boys agree to get fucked: 4.5 
  • Percentage of new rent boys who kiss on the first date: 86% 
  • Average price for one sex biznis in the station, in Czech crowns, paid by sexpats: 780 Kč 
  • Average price for one sex biznis in the station, in Czech crowns, paid by Czech locals: 250 Kč 
  • Cost of one movie ticket to see Brokeback Mountain at Slovansky Dům theater: 159 Kč 
  • Cost of a Red Bull in Pinocchio: 75 Kč 
  • Average price for one sex biznis in the station, in Czech crowns, paid by sex tourists: 1000 Kč 
  • Cost for a homeless person to sleep overnight in the toilets at the station: 50 Kč 
  • Average price for one sex biznis in Pinocchio, in Czech crowns, paid by sex tourists: 2600 Kč 
  • Average commission paid to me by sexpats, in Czech crowns: 250 Kč 
  • Average commission paid to me by sex tourists: 1000 Kč, plus expenses
  • Average commission paid to me by boys for finding them clients: 0 Kč 
  • Number of free blow jobs given to me by rent boys grateful for my help in procuring biznis for them: 3 
  • Number of handjobs: 6
  • Number of packs of cigarettes boys have given me to thank me for a “good biznis”: 6 
  • Number of beers given, estimated: 26 
  • Number of American or British sex-pats who have refused or neglected to pay me commission for procuring boys for them: 2 
  • Amount owed me by these men: 1200 Kč 
  • Number of tourists who have refused or neglected to pay me commission for procuring boys for them: 3 
  • Percentage of those tourists who were German: 100% 
  • Number of sexpats in Prague with a confirmed alias: 2
  • Number of meals purchased by Camp Chris for me since becoming homeless: 42 
  • Number of nights I have gone to bed hungry: 28 
  • Longest period I have gone without eating, in hours: 44 
  • Average number of beers consumed by me in one month, best guess: 120 
  • Cost of 120 beers in U Rudolfa: 2400 Kč 
  • Number of times I have gone to bed drunk and forgotten to bring my shoes inside the sleeping bag, so they don’t get cold: 5 
  • Number of invitations to sleep over for free I have received from Czech locals since becoming homeless, and during inclement weather: 7 
  • Number of times I have accepted those invitations: 2 
  • Number of invitations to sleep over I have received from American or British sexpats since becoming homeless, and during inclement weather: 0 
  • Average apartment rent of these Czech locals: 7500 Kč 
  • Average apartment rent of American or British sexpats: 25,000 Kč 
  • Average monthly Czech salary: 18500 Kč 
  • Lowest temperature in which I have slept outside: -27 degrees Celsius 
  • Number of days in Prague this winter where the snowfall exceeded 5 cm: 13 
  • Number of blizzards I have slept through: 1 
  • Average length of time, in minutes, it takes for me to make camp every night for sleeping: 16 
  • When it is cold: 27 
  • When I’m drunk: 36 
  • When it’s cold and I’m drunk: 42
  • Average length of time, in minutes, it takes for me to break camp every morning: 15 
  • When it is cold: 23 
  • Time it takes, in minutes, to travel to IKEA every morning for free coffee: 42 
  • Average number of cups of coffee consumed each morning in IKEA: 5 
  • Average time it takes to write and proofread a typical post: 70 minutes 
  • Number of times I have “dined and dashed,” or ran out on a restaurant tab: 9 
  • Number of times I have stolen food from Tesco: 2 
  • Cost of those thefts: 150 Kč 
  • Number of times I have stolen clothes from the secondhand store in the station: 4 
  • Numbers of pairs of gloves I have lost since becoming homeless: 2 
  • Number of hats: 4 
  • Number of phones I have purchased and then later sold in order to eat: 4 
  • Average weight of my backpack, in kilograms, which contains my bedding and spare clothes: 15 
  • Cost of checking my backpack when it weighs 15 kg or under: 15 Kč 
  • Cost when it weighs more than 15 kg: 30 Kč 
  • Total monthly cost to check my backpack if I check it every day: 450 Kč 
  • Number of friends who stopped speaking to me since I told them I was homeless: 2 
  • Number of times I have asked to borrow money from friends at home: 0 
  • Number of times I have asked to borrow money from friends in Prague: 3 
  • Amount of money, estimated, Craig has given me since becoming homeless: 25,000 Kč 
  • Amount of money I owe Camp Chris: 1600 Kč 
  • Average number of cigarettes Clint offers me per day: 3 
  • Cost of three cigarettes: 9 Kč 
  • Number of months I have been homeless: 6 
  • Number of times I have bawled like a baby since becoming homeless, not including tears welling up during movies: 3 
  • Amount of hope I have kept for myself: 

Photo by Shamia Casiano on Unsplash

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